maybe someday.

inferorumm @ 2008-11-19T01:04:00

2008-11-19T08:04:53Z

I'm sorry I can't finish what I wrote about you.
I don't think you understand how much I really like you.
And how much this is really silly and awful and it hurts a lot.

I'm sorry, Live Journal. It's another one of those posts.

Maybe next year?

inferorumm @ 2008-10-22T01:14:00

2008-10-22T07:15:21Z

carpet stains from coffee cups
Emery still makes me cry. :)

inferorumm @ 2008-10-05T22:50:00

2008-10-06T04:52:46Z

1959
Worst feeling first: I need three letters of recommendation. Two in-school, one out-school. Guess how many teachers I feel like I can really go to for a letter of recommendation in-school?
Hey, maybe next year, right! I'm sure colleges love to look at a transcript and see two audited classes. That's something they'd be really proud of.

inferorumm @ 2008-09-24T23:18:00

2008-09-25T05:23:43Z

don't look down, but I think we're dead!
Now, since I am one to complain - a lot. I just thought I'd do it again and take a poll. So, here's the scenario: Your guy best friend, let's call him Hicam, gets a girlfriend. Let's call her Nemrac. (They're foreigners.) And that's fine and dandy. But see, Hicam used to be madly in love with you and you weren't madly in love with him because you're a logical sixteen something year old. So, he gets a girlfriend, Nemrac, and then acts like a douche. And that's fine, except now he comes to you for relationship advice.
Here's the part for the poll: Is it sadistic and spiteful? Is it sincere and he's just trying to figure things out? Or, is it really no big deal?

Let me know, I'll be accepting votes until people stop commenting or not at all. Hahah.

inferorumm @ 2008-09-24T03:32:00

2008-09-24T09:44:24Z

I, I don't like a guy who knows what to say. Who knows how to say the right things at the right times because he's a creature of habit. I don't like guys who want my naym, who want to know my sign: an inverted cross. I
I don't like a guy who knows how to talk. Who knows how to say I'm just a player in the game, and you're on my list; with just his body. With just his hands. I don't like a guy whose hands move in every which way I crave. Just crave.
I don't like a guy whose eyes are his eyes. Whose eyes can see through my eyes and see my pink and confused insides. Whose eyes can read my eyes and my thoughts and are saying, "I know what you're looking for."
And I, I don't like a guy who really understands. Who understands me more than I understand myself because I, I don't like a guy.
But I do like a guy who knows what I want to hear. Who knows how to say sweet things that aren't that sweet. Who knows how to say the wrong thing all the time to level the playing field.
And I like a guy who paints me pictures with his words of gray and alabaster and black because that is life, black and white with lots of gray.
I like a guy who knows how to talk with is body to talk to my body. Who knows how to match the awkward swing of my hips and the uncomfortable cracking of my knuckles.
I, I like a guy whose eyes meet my eyes. Who is okay with looking down and coming off cross eyed. Whose eyes don't care if mine blink more than should or just enough times in just enough seconds.

AND I NEED HELP WITH THE REST.

inferorumm @ 2008-09-22T22:19:00

2008-09-23T04:23:06Z

Now and then I'm scared, when somehow I forget how sounds become words or even sentences.
Shit's pretty chill, you know. Today was fine, tomorrow I meet with the high schools guidance counselor. I'm going to give it another shot and try to shake this preconceived ideas that MH is awful, even if they may be true!
I'm looking forward to November 1st and 20th. I hate the Insomniaxe, but I'll get to see Oswaldo and Natty which'll be nice. But I do love the Sisters of Mercy and Becky so it's a win win situation!
Tell me about your day! :)

the mutiny

2008-09-21T10:14:20Z

Sometimes, I forget how to think. More important, I sometimes forget that I know how to post an entry. And let me begin by saying, I think I might have had a break through.
Now, I'm definitely one to complain and whine, but I've come to realize that maybe, just maybe, it was legit. I'm sure I came off/come off as negative, but I think there's a deeper meaning to it. I'm going to call it "comfort." How typical teenager is that. I find comfort in the darkness of my mind? In the negative space I call my life. If you were to look over my shoulder, you'd find this gaping void that could possibly be mistaken for my heart. I've probably grown cold, grown bitter. Shit's not awesome, you know?
And as I tried to explain to Micah - and what scares me the most - is I've convinced myself that I don't know how to be in love because I think, and I don't do that often (think), that I've fallen in love with everyone I've met.
Kelly said that the first two weeks, two months, two whatever of a relationship is lust. She says you just want to be with that person all the time and you want to talk to them and smell them and hear them and...whatever goes along with being in lust. And you see, I feel that way about all of my friends. The first time I met Kelly I wanted to be with her every day, I want to hear her and touch her and think about her. The first time Micah and I hung out, there after, I wanted to listen to his laugh and look at his face and touch his hands. How could that be, I know! How naive can someone be that they'd actually put that much forth, offer so much in such little time?
And for so long, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I met Rhea one day and a week later, I said I loved her. She is so talented and her eyes are the prettiest green/blue. She doesn't even acknowledge me anymore, but that's not even what hurts me the most.
I took surveys that'd ask "How many times have you been in love?" and my answer could have always been as many people as I know or none because I have them confused. Love and in love. Friendships and romance. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it or if I can fix it. I don't know if I need guidance or I don't. I don't know if I need an awakening or a coma to make me realize what I'm feeling.

When I moved, I thought of something positive about every person I saw. Amanda, the girl who showed me around my school, had this thing about her. You could see in her eyes she was a strong girl and though she didn't know who she was or what she wanted, she'd figure it out. The guy who sat next to me at lunch with his friends had really good eye contact. Emerald and a great name and Hannah had nice hair. Ms. Voe was an awful person, but I loved that she had such a strong passion for sports. You know? And I would sit and think of every one at GM and how I took them for granted because they were all so wonderful and I knew somehow I knew them. And at MH, I knew somehow that I didn't know them and I wouldn't know them. I don't even know if I can blame myself for that. I'm sure I could. I'm almost sure I won't, though.

What I'm trying to get across is... I don't know. I know who I am and I know I have my priorities straight. I know I've got good morals and a decent head on my shoulders. But what about the rest of me? Is my heart as good as I think it is or is it as bad as I think it is because trust me - I'm having a hard time telling these days. I just want to know what I'm doing.

tinkertots.

2008-04-27T07:22:02Z

Whether you and I really exist is not up to me or the powers of the universe, but up to a diplomat negotiating if that child gets his/her vaccination or if we should leave it up to the insects that pollute the air. And to be Frank, though I'm not a Frank, I'd like to know if out of sight or out of mind is the best policy, or if honesty is? Because if it is honesty, then I can say that this is utter nonsense, if not failure. But not just any failure, a failure to connect anything. And I looked into my baby's blue eyes and I asked "May I sit here for a while? My limbs are sore and the bridge is wobbley, I can't hold on." And those blue eyes replied to me with three bats and then the sweet sound of silence that rang as loud as the policemen's helmets.
No, it's quite alright. I found a lake and buried in the murky water by the weeping tree that cried "If only, if only!" I turned to the tree with my shovel and cross in hand and requested it's silence, I was burying a necessity! Like a toiletry or a windmill, it was on the "Have to Do List" left on the refrigerator for your daughter to finish after her soccer, gym, and piano lessons. Naturally, you would say.
I left your things on the lawn, I ask that you do not disturb the neighbors. They're in hibernation and I'd hate to have to restock their underground costco.

whut.

2008-01-12T08:50:13Z

Writing is so unfamiliar to me, these days. My words stopped flowing, I'm far from eloquent. Not that it matters in this one horse town. I could speak jibberish and that's almost as well as what they speak. I shouldn't be saying that, simply because they too are humans or something in that area and I'm sure they're decent people to their illegal children.
10 days ago I took a big leap, assuming that I knew how to swim. I'm realizing that the only thing that is keeping me afloat is this fat built up in me. I can't tell you what's really going on in my head because I haven't even begun to sort it all out. But to review, I'll give you both sides of the fight.
Side 1: Side 1 of me is saying that I'm really okay and that everything will be better. That I'm lucky to get such an opportunity to expand my horizons, meet new people, live a little. That I don't miss anyone, that I'm excited to be here.
Side 2: Side two at this point is realizing that I'm not where I belong. I'm not with my friends, I'm out of my comfort zone. I had friends at my finger tips and now I've got nothing but cow shit and bob cats. Now I'm awkward. I'm a loner. And I'm back where I started.
I'm already dreading school, for the most part. I eat alone. I don't talk to anyone in my classes. I fall on ice. I get lost and have fat Mexicans escort me around because I'm almost as mindless as them when it comes to speaking English. Or something like that.
But what I'm really trying to say is: I'm going to be okay. Somehow, somewhere, I'll find something that can make me happy.
I'm just a visitor here, I'm not permanent. If D.C can sleep alone tonight, I'm sure I can too.

inferorumm @ 2007-11-11T03:33:00

2007-11-11T10:36:48Z

I can handle death, but I can't handle leaving. It's going to be good, it's horrible knowing that this isn't home, anymore. Don't read this and be sad, be happy that my mom found what she's looking for.

inferorumm @ 2007-06-07T13:26:00

2007-06-07T19:27:04Z

IF SOMEONE LOVED ME THEY'D COME AND SUCK ALL THE POISON OUT OF ME.

goddamnit. Jesus, Mary and Chain.

inferorumm @ 2007-05-20T00:54:00

2007-05-20T06:55:06Z

dur highschool,

loose the drama.

sincerely,
Emilee.

inferorumm @ 2007-04-25T23:23:00

2007-04-26T05:24:39Z

there's only so many things that can keep you happy and there's only so many times you can blame yourself.

tomorrow, I'm dying.

a matter

2007-04-15T06:00:09Z

I love nothing. It's so easy to nothing people. You don't hate them, and you don't love them. You just..nothing them. You don't even have to strive for the emotion,it just comes to you.

inferorumm @ 2007-02-18T12:40:00

2007-02-18T19:43:42Z

inferorumm @ 2006-12-30T05:31:00

2006-12-30T12:31:46Z

oh piss and chips. I like my kick ass steps.
see? kick ass. fuck yes.
I love nerd metal and I love to smile and I hate when people don't. I think everyone should crawl out of darkness and look at the damn sun and remember "hey, I could be dead". being dead seems so much worse than being lonely, well, okay, I guess its the same thing. corpses don't talk, but they swim. I'll tell you that much. Good joke, ask me about it sometime. I had a very merry Christmas and I hope all of you did too. I fucking hate sleep. Haven't gotten too much of it lately, but I'm okay with that. You should be too. DOn't sleep, that's what I say. but then again there will be nothing to watch on the telly! I mean, there's MAD TV but what about after that there's nothing. okay. I'm done. I think, I don't know. If I'm not..I'll be back by six. I get to see Brittany.

fucking piss. :DD

common sense.

2006-12-09T07:20:06Z

in good spirits:
somethings are better left forgotten.

inferorumm @ 2006-11-22T03:27:00

2006-11-22T10:27:42Z

it's like a world of violets. you'd think I was in love.

but what will happen if I come crashing down?

inferorumm @ 2006-11-19T15:34:00

2006-11-19T22:34:47Z

remember to smile. C:

inferorumm @ 2006-11-13T23:52:00

2006-11-14T06:52:55Z

does anyone else find richard simmons as fascinating as I do? really. tell me. anyway, I suppose I should find something of interest to talk about/write about/whatever. I'm feeling talent-less again (please don't tell me I have talent, I'm aware of that, just whether or not I know what to do with it is unknown). I should take up painting or something, for the love of Jesus land. and yes, it really is Jesus land. I'm so glad that I'm done with the play, no more 13 hour days at school. hallelujah! I can't spell, so fuuuck you C: sincerely, of course. I'm in the mood to cut my hair again. I'll ask Mallory about that toomorrow or Wednesday or whenver I bump into her at school. squee. I wonder what my grades are, probably shit since lately I've said capital F U C K Y O U. they'll forgive me. it's hard not to.
vad von strangle: wanna play guess where my finger is
MarxistViews: sure
MarxistViews: i guess...nose!
vad von strangle: damnit.
fuck. i'm too predictable. chaaaaaaaaaaaangee.

i hate you. i hate you, too. C:

2006-11-09T06:43:12Z

here's a secret: emilee is very tired. hahaha. god, no one should EVER take after me. I'm on my, what was it..sixth soday in the past like 2 hours, does that tell you anything? it tells you if I had a 12 pack, I'd b done with it in a total of four hours. but heres the thing, I'm on my last soda and I don't know if I've got anymore diet soda. daamn. I'm sure my aunts sickly self will buy me some. tomorrow Jarod is 8. any questions?

let's make out like to pairs of liiiips.

inferorumm @ 2006-11-06T22:24:00

2006-11-07T05:24:35Z

I'm starting to froget the simplest of things, for example: not only did I forget when to shower, I obviously forgot how! I had the sponge in my hand and I just couldn't figure out what to do from there. I should make notes and tape them with packaging tape to the wall of the shower so if they get wet, they won't get seepy. I think my mom is noticing how forgetful I am. Saturday I forgot to eat entirely until Dinner wit Tiffany. It wasn't even that big of a dinner, but I just couldn't remember to eat. I'm also having trouble remembering which hand is left and which one is right. Of course, I don't forget which is which at the same time because if I figure out which one is left (and just to use left for..left sakes)I'd soon realize that the other hand that would be left would have to be right. Respectively. Sarah thinks I'm deaf but I am far from it. My head hurts and I dislike how the right ear head phone fits better in the left instead of the right. God put my ears on backwards, actually God put everyones ears on backwards because a lot (when I say a lot, I mean Sarah) of people agree with me. Indeed. I'd say something indubidiallalayyy but I obviously can't spell that. I want to get back into tumbling or something. I'm angsty and I'd like a job or more homework or something.

Thank you, Jesus Land & goodnight.

inferorumm @ 2006-11-05T00:14:00

2006-11-05T07:14:49Z

fucking cupcakes and diet soda. who the fuck decided bringing cupcakes into venue was dangerous?

inferorumm @ 2006-10-20T23:34:00

2006-10-21T05:37:01Z

why can't my words be something other than a pile of word vomit. I spew it like a drunken bafoon. :/ enough said.

sdfsd

2006-10-12T06:08:15Z

next to a tree, an oak tree to be exact, was a scare crow. just a little, old, scarecrow, and a crow, a black crow, perched on the scare crow. 'Right pretty spell we're having, Mr. Scare'
'Right pretty spell, indeed.' answered the scare crow. the crops, brown and dead, ratled and shook when the wind blew; the oak tree's swingcreaked and moaned. the crow, an old bird he was, said few but wise words. the scarecrow was just quiet. not wise nor smart, just quiet. the crow said to the scarecrow 'They're not coming back, are the?' the scare crow, limitted to movemant due to the wooden post in his back, shook his head 'no' and then said 'If they were, we'd still be here. Alone.'
the children play in the corn field and swung on that oak tree swing. they'd make crowns of dandelions and weeds and declare themselves the kings and queens of the corn field. but the sun had lost it's colour and and the kids were no loner kids. the crops withered and the town was i boom. the crow and crow stayed. the crow never ate, the scarecrow never slept. they had morphine in their feins. a slow, steady, drip. the crow lost his sight; no bird can fly blind. old, they were and lonely they stayed. 'Remember when..' and the scarecrow came down. and the crow flew, and he swing creaked and maned, the crops blackened and the sun metled and it was a happily ever after.